All these damn thoughts keep me up at night, they yell at me to stay awake through the fatigue, through the melatonin, through the warm milk, through the Vicks on my eye lids. The anxiety of my future ways heavy on me. How can I be the best influence to Cindy's kids ever?
Get a degree, get a job. Those are the easy parts. The world we live in is 90% you get what you put into something, and the remaining broken up percentages are a combination of luck and falling upon things you don't deserve. That's just life. No one tells you to take that look in the mirror and ask yourself that question of, "How can you be that best version of yourself for your kids?" No one tells you to ask yourself that, most of the time it has to be organic, you have to come up with that question yourself. That's step 1. In order to better yourself you have to first put into question that kind of person that you are. That person you try to be and end up being from the time your kids are born to the day that you die, that is the lasting imprint that will be on to your children. After it's decided that they're adults, then the teachings stop, then you don't go to them, you're only relevant when they are the ones seeking the knowledge, not when they're being taught.
Legacy is a funny thing, it's always something that is subjective and objective at the same time. We all have different ideas of what that is, but it's always something other people look at through their own lens. I'm my fathers legacy, but my kids will be mine. Am I the legacy of my grandfather? A man that I never met but yet still have a great deal of respect for because of the stories told to me by those who knew him? If I'm not his legacy then that means my kids won't be their Grandfathers legacy either, but that is something I don't want. All these things.... that make sense and don't make sense. Things that don't matter and do matter. There's just nothing I think I can do extra. I don't care what others say about me, no matter the compliment or the insults I get, none of that affects me. There's only 2 people who's opinions I care about when it comes to my kids, my mother and my future wife. The instagram posts are just me wanting to show off these kids that I am damn proud of. They don't show the struggles or growing pains, the fits, the tears (theirs and my own), nor the struggle of losing sleep over something as silly as wanting to be the best Dad to all 3 of them. I just want to be important enough to matter to them, the way that I, a 29 year old grown man still thinks that his Father matters to him, even though it has been 5 years since he has passed. I don't know why I think of this every day and every night, maybe I just care way too much to a fault. I fall into that trap of being to aggressive, then they won't want me at all, that's my fear. Even though I know I'm far from that... I think.
- Š
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